Gay couples come to see me to explain that the spark has gone as there is little sex in their relationship and now there are shared feelings of a lack of intimacy. This is despite living together, enjoying each others company, socializing together with friends and family, sharing loved pets, planning holidays together and having dreams about a place in the country one day. Intimacy is not only defined by how much sex is going on. Companionship is also undervalued intimacy.
Sex alone however does help to form intimate feelings, with the sharing of yummy brain chemicals but unfortunately that same brain will de-sex your partner over time as it searches for new experiences. And then the longer the sex gap the bigger the barrier to get back in the boat, or bath, becomes so to speak. There are very obvious, but often unacknowledged, obstacles that prevent sex happening.
Many of us work in busy and often stressful jobs, and commonly take work home with us at the end of the day. This can mean that the working day becomes incredibly long and at times seems endless. In these circumstances, there is no surprise that our sex life may not be getting the attention it deserves.
You cannot be intimate if you are not present for each other. That might be spending too much time on individual computers at home, not listening properly to what your partner is saying, or forgetting to have diners out with just the two of you. You have to spend time together to be intimate.
A lack of communication reduces a sense of intimacy in the relationship and reduces the desirability for sexual encounters. Telling each other what worries each other is so important. Discussing sex issues helps to break the ice but if there never seems a right time to talk about this place an entry on the diary, whiteboard or whatever to do so.
If you are lucky you will have the same libido as your partner but this rarely is the case. Stress, bad sleeping or eating habits, lack of exercise and mental wellbeing affects libido. Paying attention to these aspects of health can lift personal libido. But nature will change your libido at various times of life. Talking about your libido with your partner should help them see it is not about rejection.
You know it is very possible to re-stoke the fire even if the flames will not rage as they once did. Set aside time to have a romantic evening with music, wine and some erotic images (porn is not a bad thing if not a compulsive habit). Change the way you have sex by having no expectations about orgasm and taking it slowly. Have a bath together. Lie in bed naked and talk with your legs on one another or sit of the couch with legs on each other. Discuss when you both met and what you liked about each other and still do now.
One game that has helped many clients start the ball rolling is the placing of a jar in the house. Place things you want discussed in the jar. Just a short note and then once a week, at a designated time, sit down and discuss them. Be creative and spend time with each other as you can’t be intimate without being present physically and mentally. When you communicate better by being present for each other that sex spark will more than likely sparkle again.